This is a tough one, huh? I grew up in a house where everything one did had to have a motive behind it… even if it really didn’t. Even if someone did something without really thinking through their actions to the consequences – a learning experience, per se – it was viewed by those at the head of the household as intentional with motive. It was always first degree. And unfortunately I parented the same way much of the time. Of course I have learned to listen with intent to my children, but it is a different monster when it comes to my spouse and his actions.

I think to myself… “we have lived together for 27 years and you don’t know me by now.” But of course he knows me by now which is why he behaves the way he does. He knows I get jealous anytime another female comes into the picture. And I do… for no reason except that I am not confident enough in myself and my relationship with a person I have been married to for almost 27 years to trust that no other person is going to take my place. I still think in the back of my head that the better person he meets will be the one he chooses to stay with in his last years. I don’t know why. I have tried everything. I have tried to tell myself that there is no way any one else would put up with him because I know no one would tolerate me as I am. I tell myself that we have had more good days than bad days. I tell myself he is a respectful person who will honor his commitment made to me all those years ago and be a responsible father. But in the moment that it happens I lose control. I look for the motive behind the actions.

There often is no motive, life is just a learning experience. If you are a jealous person you need to figure out why you do not have confidence in yourself and do something to change that. You are good enough. You are smart enough. But so is the person you are sharing a home with or children with. I have been better about telling what I see in the moment as “my whole truth.” That works most of the time. But sometimes I start looking for and asking for his motive. I need to stop that. If you are in a serious relationship you need to not look for motives in your partner’s actions. Instead, you should have already agreed on a few rules of engagement. For example, both parties may agree when in a moment of disagreement that each party gets 4 minutes to tell their side of a situation. Then exchange the time back and forth until an agreement is reached. Maybe one rule of engagement is to never say I want to leave this relationship when one partner is upset. Or maybe agree that neither partner is allowed to get angry at being called out when they are being a bully. It happens and it is a good practice to be able to honestly say, “hey, you are acting like an ass right now.” Say it clamly so that it is not interpreted as “yelling.”

Another thing, make sure you are safe in your relationship. I think safety is often compromised in people who lack self-confidence. We need to love ourselves and be able to forgive ourselves before we can do the same with another person. I know all the right things to say and do, but when I am faced with fear of rejection I forget all the rules. I am always a work in progress, as are likely you and others around you. So, be patient and kind to yourself and others. If today you screw up, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Do your chores, brush your teeth and tell yourself that today is a new day to learn to be a better version of you.