I know most of you have had to figure out your next steps after an event. Today I am working on my next steps after realizing I have not worked enough on my goals. See… normally I make a list and cross off the items on that list to make me feel that I have accomplished something. This actually works really well for me and the way my brain works. The problem is the lists I have been making lately. I have only made lists with chores, grocery items, emails that need to be written and a few Thank You notes (which I still have not done), and little things like that. I have not tackled the big stuff. I am talking about really digging into my dissertation and finishing it up. I know what to do, I just have not felt smart enough, strong enough, and deserving enough to finish this project. But today really is the day I make the detailed list to get me back on track. I have meetings scheduled next week that will definitely help me set up a successful move toward completion. I know it is months away, but for the first time in several months I feel ready.

Earlier this year some old trash got pulled out from under the rug. I had to tell all of my children some stuff that I really believed would stay buried until the day I closed my eyes for the last time. And honestly, if the person who had hurt me had figured out that I was telling him the truth when I explained that the words and actions he gestured toward me were not normal and that he should stop I would have taken that secret to the grave. I mean, no one believed me before when I told them, why would I keep trying to get someone to believe me? I was ready to move on. I was happily married with five great kids, a wonderful granddaughter and a lifestyle that I had dreamed about as a teenager. I finally understood what people meant when they said their spouse/significant other was their best friend. (I honestly used to think people who said that were weird and just did not understand the nuts and bolts of relationships)… and then, a freakin’ monsoon of tears flooded my safe space with just one call from my sister

How could this be? I thought it was over… I thought this person had changed… he was “following the Lord, trusting God, blah, blah, blah.” < That is a whole other subject that I will likely never share outside of my immediate family. > How did I get back to this odd place of not knowing how to be loved… of feeling fat, ugly, not worthy? I have spent an entire summer trying to crawl out of this dark cave that the monsoon carried me to. I wandered around with a smile on my face, I had a few fun parties at our house, I even participated in a phenomenol wedding a few weeks ago. But I could not really “feel” loved, pretty, needed, wanted… I felt numb. Sometimes I felt angry. I probably even said things to my children that were unnecessary and inappropriate. I hope I didn’t, but I honestly do not know if I did or not. I know I am not back to where I want to be, but I am definitely on the path toward that place. We will keep moving toward a good place together. I love my children and grandchildren. They are the best part of me. But I also love my partner. He has taught me how to breathe when I could not figure that out on my own. He has set me back in my place when I allowed my lack of self-confidence drive a wedge between me and other important people in our lives. He is not perfect, but together we are decent human beings that always work toward good for ourselves and other people.

Today is a beginning. I know I will have to work hard every day to fight back the demons of self-doubt and distrust, but I am willing to take responsibility for my work. I have important work to finish and I want to get this done.